The Happy Couple
by Luikaki
Summary: Ed and Envy are trying to get married, but that's gonna prove to be freakin' hard. Al's traumatized, Winry's pissed, and well, a bunch of other crap comes up. Enjoy! Post season. [YAOI]
1. Prologue

Luikaki: This story follows after "Drunk Envy", but you don't need to read that for any of this to make sense…if any of this makes sense. (All you really need to know is that Al's in his human body here.)

Parodies: It won't be noticeable until later, but this is a mix between _The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air_ and _King of Queens_. (I own nothing!)

Prologue

It's been two years, but Al still goes to therapy after accidentally seeing Ed and Envy on their bedroom floor doing things no one should ever see. The three of them plus Wrath, Gluttony, Rose and herson have moved to Risembool to freeload off Pinako and Winry for a while. Yeah, it's a tight squeeze but Gluttony sleeps outside and Ed and Envy don't mind sleeping in the basement together.

The therapist held Al's hand tightly. "Calm down. You can talk about it when you feel comfortable."

Al sniffled. "I don't think I can take this anymore!" He wiped his eyes.

"It's been two years…"

"Yes, I know, but…" Al bit his lip. "They're planning on getting married!"

The therapist tried to look at the bright side. She smiled weakly. "This should be a joyous occasion!"

Al returned the weak smile. "Yeah, that's right! They're both my brothers! I should be more supportive!" Then he paused. "What am I saying!"

The therapist patted Al's head. "Yes, I know this is quite _unusual_, but … wow, I've got nothing else. Wait, how is this Envy related to you exactly?"

"Well, Dad's about four hundred years old and in his first body, I think, he had Envy with a woman named Dante. But Envy died and Dad brought him back as a homunculus. So technically, Envy is our dead half-brother."

The therapist stared blankly at Al. "Yeah, that's quite a story…Would you mind taking something to help you relax?"

"What's that mean?"

The therapist got up, left to another room, and then she came back with a tranquilizer. Al started screaming, "NO! Not again!" He ran out of the room as fast as possible. He ran and ran all the way back home.

Winry was at the front yard watering the grass. When she saw Al speeding towards her, she asked, "This one didn't help either?"

"No!" Al stopped to catch his breath. "They never believe me for some reason!"

Just then, a mailman on a bike with a girly bag came up to them. "Letter for Ms. Envy," he said in a gay voice. "Oh, what a lovely name!"

Winry gave him a disturbed look. She reluctantly took the letter from him and read the addresses. "It's from the late Fuhrer?" she wondered aloud. Then she yelled with a harsh voice: "ENVY! Get over here!"

Envy came running from the house, pissed off, messy hair, and a very noticeable hickey on his side. "Damn it, woman!" he shrieked at Winry. "You always pick the worse freakin' time!"

"Goodness," the mailman gasped, putting a hand over his mouth. "I should be off." He started peddling away.

"You have no right to yell at me!" Winry yelled back. "You're living at _my_ house, remember? Here's your stupid mail." She shoved the letter into Envy's hands.

Envy tore at the envelope and read the letter inside: "_Dear Ms. Envy_…idiots…_death of King Bradley_…yeah, I know…_no relatives_." Envy's eyes widened as he read the following sentence: "_According to our knowledge, you, Mr. Wrath and Mr. Gluttony are the late Fuhrer's closest relatives, entitling you his estate and all his money_."

"_What?"_ Winry shrieked. "Why didn't you tell us you guys were loaded!" Now she felt retarded for being so bitchy towards Envy all the time.

"Does that mean you guys will have to move back to Central?" Al asked, a little too relieved.

Then Ed came out of the house only with a towel around his waist. "Envy why do you always make me wait?" he whined. Al had to turn away.

"I'm wanted back at Central," Envy said. "But screw it, I'll never leave you, honey!" He peck Ed on his forehead. Then Envy caught a glimpse at the amount of money he'd get from the Fuhrer. "Holy crap! Look at all those zeroes!" Envy squealed, then hugged the letter. "I'll go get Wrath and Gluttony!" He dashed into the house.

"But…" Ed said sadly, "we didn't even get to finish…"

That did it. Images of Ed and Envy doing it on the floor flashed in Al's mind. He started screaming uncontrollably and ran into the house. Envy and the other homunculi saw him run to his room, and they were quite amused.

As soon as the homunculi exit the house, Envy comments, "Al so needs to get laid." He nudged Winry and added, "Go for it, girl!"

"Shut up," Winry growled.

Ed was sad. He wrapped his arms around Envy. "But you can't leave like that! At least wait for Rose and Pinako to come back so we can all say good-bye."

"Don't worry, baby," Envy said. "Once you get Pinako's permission, we'll—oh, there's our cab!"

A cab came out of seemingly nowhere and the homunculi got into it and drove off. "What the hell?" Ed shrieked. "Where'd that come from?"

Luikaki: Gasp! How long will Ed and Envy be apart?


	2. Ed's Depression

Luikaki: Aw, poor Ed...

Ed's Depression

Ever since Envy left, Ed has been doing some bad shit. He hasn't been finishing his vegetables. He knocks on the neighbors' doors (the ones who live miles away) and runs away before they answer. He even dared to hide Winry's screwdriver one day.

Every night Ed had nightmares that Envy was with another man—with Roy once—so he woke up crying and screaming all the time and woke everyone up. Then Rose's son would go off and basically nobody got any rest.

"You can't keep this up forever, Ed," Pinako angrily grumbled one morning at the breakfast table. "Get over that hooker. How'd you develop sick feelings for that kind of person anyway?"

"Envy isn't a hooker!" Ed shot back.

"I'm not allowing you to marry him if that's what you want." Pinako started smoking her pipe.

Ed banged his fist on the table. "Why should your decision even matter? You're not my mom!" He ran back to his room and started crying again. Really loudly.

Everyone else: Pinako, WInry, Al, Rose, her son, and even Den all groaned angrily.

"Not again!" Winry whined. In her mind: _Why can't he be a man for once? That's what I wanna see._ She started to fantasize. One day, Ed would not be gay and barge into the house and sweep Winry off her feet and tell her to run away with him.

And he'll tell her that Envy died choking on a dollar. Then Ed would propose to her and they'll have many children. "That'll be the day," Winry accidentally said aloud in a dreamy voice.

"What day?" Pinako shrieked. "This day? It's a really crappy day for all of us so quit talking all dreamy-like!"

"God, I can't take it anymore!" Rose cried.

"Please Grandma," Al begged, "Just let Ed go! I don't care if he marries Envy as long as the crying stops!"

"No," Pinako replied bluntly. "It's only been two days. He'll get over the hooker eventually." More of Ed's crying followed.

Rose's son covered his ears with his hands. "Stop! Stop!" he begged.

Pinako stared at Al and Winry. "Go talk to him."

Winry stood up from the table. "Yeah, okay, I'll go first. I'll fix him right up!" She barged over to Ed's room full of confidence. "Edward," she said in a sweet voice, making her way inside his room, "please shut the hell up. I can make you feel better if you want me to."

Ed quieted down and lifted his head off his pillow. "What are you…?"

Winry sat on Ed's bed and started playing with his hair. "I'm saying—"

Then Ed started to cry again. "Envy used to do that!" he wailed and fell back into his pillow. His excessive whining could be heard throughout the house. "And he hasn't called since yesterday! I don't know where he is, who he's with – anything!"

"Get a hold of yourself, Ed!" Winry yelled back, blushing because she felt humiliated.

"But I miss him! It's been two whole days since we last been together!"

That did it. Al started screaming uncontrollably again, and this time, he ran out of the house, out into the beautiful fields of flowers and ran in circles, screaming at himself to try to get those terrifying images of his brothers out of his head.

Pinako sighed. "Rose, please go bring Al back. I'll finish dealing with Ed."

Rose nodded, stood up, grabbed her son's hand, and they both went off to pursue Al. Pinako went to Ed's room, but before she could say anything—

"That's it! I'm an adult now – I'm making my own decisions!" Ed declared as he pulled a suitcase out from under his bed and started piling all the crap in his room in it.

"Ed—" Pinako tried saying.

"Save it!" Ed interrupted her. "Nothing you say is gonna stop me! I'm marrying Envy and I don't care if you guys don't show up at the wedding anymore!" He pushed in as much clothes as the suitcase could handle.

"Edward—!"

"No, I don't wanna hear it! I'm getting out of here and—"

"Ed, shut up and listen!" Pinako yelled and threw her pipe at Ed's face. Then she calmly stated, "I give you permission to go. We all wish for you and Envy a happy future."

"_What_?" Ed and Winry said in unison. But Winry's _what_ was more like a dramatic screech while Ed just sounded calmly dumb.

"It's because you're right, Ed," Pinako explained. "You are an adult now and are fully capable of going out into the world and stop freeloading off me. But Al will be staying here until he gets better about…that thing we never talk about."

Ed nodded, scratching the back of his head. "Yeah…thanks, Grandma!" He gave her and Winry a quick one-arm hug as he hauled his suitcase along behind him. "You guys should come and visit some day! Envy says the mansion's _really_ big!"

And just like that, Ed was on his way back to where his heart desired. That horny bastard.

Luikaki: Yay!


	3. The Next Big Step

Luikaki: The real fun's about to begin!

The Next Big Step

There it was. That huge mansion that once belonged to the Fuhrer was right in front of Ed and ready to get taken advantage of. Ed barged into the front doors with his suitcase and declared, "Envy! I'm here!"

A butler passed by as he dusted the living room. "Master Envy is not here at the moment," he said in peculiar, precise English.

Ed closed the door behind him. "Um, so is anyone here? What about Wrath?"

The butler just stared at Ed. "Around here, a stranger cannot simply waltz into a residence without as little as a knock first. In other words, who the hell are you?"

"Edward Elric! Haven't you heard about me? From Envy?" Ed glanced around the room, noticed stairs to the second floor, so he decided to climb them. "Don't worry about me – I'll make myself at home!"

"Such a nuisance," the butler sighed. "Another child to watch over." He shrugged and went back to dusting.

Ed wandered around the upstairs, opening every door he saw. And holy crap—their showers are indoors! No more worrying about some authorities catching you when they walk by the house! And the beds (in the bedrooms, not in the bathrooms) were huge!

Then Ed heard some catchy music. Is it possible? Could they own one of those high-tech, new-age _phonographs_? Gasp! Ed had to check it out. He quietly made his way into the bedroom it was coming from and he saw Wrath dancing to the music. Wrath looked stupid, but Ed was inspired to join him.

Ed copied all of Wrath's moves, carefully so he wouldn't be noticed. They did something like a flapper dance first that got into an electric slide and when Wrath twirled around: "Ah—Ed!"

Ed still went on dancing.

"Ed!" This time, Wrath turned off the phonograph, too.

Ed stopped. "Oh, sorry."

"You bastard!" Wrath squealed and he threw himself at Ed for a hug. "You shoulda called before you showed up! Envy's been going crazy!"

"Really?" Ed asked, delighted.

Wrath ended the hug. "Yeah, Pride's in-laws keep on showing up 'cause they want some of his money, too. And no matter how many times Envy tells them they weren't in the will, they don't wanna give up! So Envy's gone out to kill them. Yep."

Ed wasn't all that delighted anymore. Them being apart for so long wasn't the reason Envy's going crazy. "When do you think he'll be back?" Ed asked.

Wrath shrugged. "So, hey have you checked out the new Gluttony?"

"Hm, what happened?"

"He's in the kitchen – see for yourself! Now if you may excuse me…" Wrath saw Ed to the door. Then he locked it and turned the music back up again.

Ed smirked and shook his head. "That kid can't dance." Then he made his way back downstairs and into the kitchen.

Gluttony was at the table. He ate anything and everything the three cooks made for him. There didn't seem to be anything new about that. "Hey, Gluttony," Ed waved.

Gluttony swallowed his food before he replied, "Good evening, Edward."

Ed was completely taken aback. Gluttony had just said a full sentence that didn't sound like a stupid little kid said it! "Whoa, Gluttony, are you feeling alright?"

Just then, the same butler from before came in. He explained, "Master Gluttony is currently enrolled in speech perfection classes. When he came to this estate, his first words were: _Where's Lust? I use money to – can I eat him? – learn talk right!_ Excellent choice, Master Gluttony."

"Thank you, Thomas," Gluttony replied. Then he went back to devouring a new tray of food.

Ed was feeling just a little uncomfortable. But right on time, he was saved by a harsh knock at the front door. That could only be one person. He ran in front of Thomas, squealing, "Envy Envy Envy!" But then he fell flat on the floor when something hard hit the back of his head. Thomas threw the suitcase at him.

"_I_ answer the doors," Thomas said, and he answered the door.

"I did it!" Envy declared as he came in. "They're all dead and everyone thinks a cop did it!" Then he noticed Ed half-conscious on the floor in front of him. "Edward!" Envy squealed and he jumped onto his lover.

Ed was dazed, but he squealed back. "Envy!" They hugged and kissed and if Al were here, he'd be screaming again and banging his head against a wall to try to black out.

"…Need I evacuate the estate for tonight?" Thomas asked.

"No it's okay," Envy said as he stood and helped Ed up. "But you probably won't wanna clean my room tomorrow." Envy gave Ed a suggestive smile.

"Understood." With that said, Thomas left to the kitchen because he knew that place was going to need some cleaning in a minute.

Envy grabbed Ed's hands tightly and led him up the stairs and into his room. "Here's our room," Envy said, planting a kiss on Ed's forehead.

Ed's heart pounded, blood rushed everywhere through his body, but before he lost control, he had to do something else to make this night even more special. He went down on both knees (force of habit); then quickly corrected himself (it's _one_ knee, Ed!). Then he took out a little black box from his pocket, opened it up, and started, "Envy, will you—"

Envy screamed. "Ahh! I do! I do!" He quickly put the ring on himself, then grabbed Ed; threw him onto the bed, ripped his clothes off, and then they romantically humped.

Luikaki: Awwww!


	4. Here Comes Daddy

Luikaki: …As the title says. 

Here Comes Daddy

Ed couldn't believe how much he missed this; waking up sticky and next to Envy—nothing's more romantic! The past few days were back to the same heavenly routine, but now in an awesome mansion. "Had a good time, baby?" Envy asked, twirling Ed's hair around his fingers. Ed chuckled and nuzzled Envy's neck in response.

But then their little moment was killed by Wrath screaming from the living room: "Envy! Ed! This old guy's here to see you!"

Ed and Envy exchanged confused looks. They quickly threw on some bath robes and headed downstairs and when they saw who was at the door: "AHHHH!" they hugged each other and screamed crazily.

Thomas welcomed the old guy into the house and politely took his luggage off his hands. And, yeah, it was Hohenheim. He waved casually at Ed and Envy.

Envy was having a hard time putting words together. "Wha-what the…wha? Thomas, damn it, why-why the hell'd you let him in?"

"He addressed himself as your father," Thomas replied.

Ed was just as flustered as Envy. "Bastard! How the hell did you find your way here anyway?"

Hohenheim scratched his head. "Yeah, it was strange. You see, this crazy blonde lady, um, well, it's a long story. But when I got to the Rockbells, they said you two are getting married, so I had to come as fast as possible! So…" He looked left and right at his sons. "Who are the lucky ladies?"

Ed and Envy glanced at each other without a word. Wrath was covering his mouth so he wouldn't laugh, so it was Thomas that broke the silence. He motioned to the lovers and explained, "They are marrying each other."

"Oh…" Hohenheim replied. It got really, really quiet, then suddenly Hohenheim started shrieking dramatically, "OH NO! MY SONS! HOW COULD YOU?"

Envy got pissed off. "Like you care anyway!" he spat, crossing his arms.

Hohenheim breathed heavily, sat on the couch, covered his face with his hands, and repeatedly whispered, "My sons are gay, my sons are gay."

Thomas patted Hohenheim's shoulder and said, "For what it's worth, one of them looks like a woman."

It looked like Hohenheim was about to hit Thomas, but he went back to hiding his face and mumbling. Envy narrowed his eyes and headed toward his daddy. Ed followed close behind, holding Envy's hand in fear that he was ready to kill. Thomas felt that too, so he led Wrath out of the room.

"You chose an awfully inconvenient time to show up," Envy sneered, standing right in front of his daddy. "And for what? Just to criticize us?" His voice got louder. "Why weren't you there when I first discovered my sexuality or joined the little leagues or killed my first militant?"

"'Cause Dante scared me away!" Hohenhem cried.

Ed squeezed Envy's hand. "C'mon Envy. What's done is done. This isn't going to change—"

"I would like to speak to the both of you separately," Hohenheim interrupted, regaining some sanity. "Edward, you first."

Ed looked at Envy for his response, but Envy just shrugged and let go o Ed's hand. "Okay…" Ed said to his dad, and he led him to the basement so they could talk privately.

The sat cross-legged on the floor. Hohenheim went first: "First of all, I would like to know how this all happened—but no gruesome details, please."

Ed nodded. "Well, two years ago, that crazy-ass bitch Dante and the remaining homunculi had Al captive in an underground city. And the first person I found was Envy and he was really, really drunk. So, um, one thing led to another…and to that thing I liked," Ed smiled like a pervert at the memories. "_That_ thing, too. And so we, um, kinda accidentally made love in front of Al…twice." His smile turned weak and nervous.

Hohenheim was devastated. He hid his face again and said, "Our talk's over. Get out of here, Ed."

"But—" Ed tried to explain himself.

"No, please, just go." Through a sigh, he also said, "My poor Alphonse."

Ed left the basement and said to a waiting Envy, "Your turn." It was pretty obvious Envy was still pissed. He grumbled things on the way downstairs, making Ed feel the need to eavesdrop to make sure things don't get any worse.

"What do you want?" Envy said coolly to his father.

"Well," Hohenheim answered, "now I would like to know what happened in the underground city—besides between you and Edward and…Al."

Envy shrugged. "I don't remember much. Except I know Dante got what she deserved."

"What happened?"

"She died falling down the stairs."

Hohenheim snorted. "Yep, that's Dante for ya! Y'know, that's the reason why she had to get her second and third body!"

"Really?" Envy suddenly became in a much brighter mood. "So how'd you end up with a retarded ditz like that?"

"She wasn't always like that. I think it was the falling down the stairs thing that turned her into a bitch…and a lesbian."

They both laughed. "That Dante," Envy sighed happily. "No wonder she couldn't keep a husband."

And that was when Ed angrily barged into the basement. "What the hell's going on? Sounds like you two are having a pleasant conversation and did I hear _laughter_? Dad, you're supposed to have a horrible relationship with Envy!" Ed couldn't believe he was jealous, but he couldn't hide it.

"Calm down, son," Hohenheim replied. "We'll all have plenty of time to do some catching up. I've decided to live here from now on!"

Ed and Envy's eyes nearly popped out of their heads. Okay, it was one thing for their ditching dad to come by for a chat, but for him to have to balls to say he'll be living with them—that's just plain wrong! No, this couldn't be happening…

Luikaki: Wow, Hohenheim got over his sons marrying each other rather quickly. I wonder how _my_ dad would react… (crazy laugh)


	5. The First Try

Luikaki: Oh, what fun it must be when you don't know what to do!

The First Try

Hohenheim made himself at home just like how Ed did. He had fun figuring out where everything in the mansion was and was now having a nice big breakfast with Gluttony and Wrath. Ed and Envy were taking a shower together, but it wasn't one of those hot sex scenes since, well, they weren't very happy at the moment.

"I can't believe he's actually living here," Envy grumbled as Ed washed his hair.

"Maybe it won't be so bad," Ed said, looking at the bright side. "I mean, how much longer can he live? This could be his dying wish—to let us see him gradually die."

"But this isn't right. He left us! I heard that when some scientists left a monkey on his own for years, and put a female monkey next to him afterwards, he threw feces at her and humped a tree."

Ed pressed himself closer to Envy in response.

Envy turned around and gave Ed an odd look. "_That_ turned you on?"

"…A little, yeah." Ed blushed. "I mean, if _we_ were monkeys—"

"Please, just stop right there."

"Okay." Then Ed turned around because it was his turn to get his hair washed. "So…have any idea as to when we should get married?"

"How 'bout today? Secretly—so _he_ won't know about it. I don't want him there."

"Uh, exactly how do people get married anyway?"

Both Ed and Envy paused to really think about this question – they had no freakin' clue! "Hmm," Envy started. "I'm pretty sure the hip thing to do is to go to one of those thingies—churches! We'll go to the closest one later today, alright?"

"Wouldn't we need to have gone to a church beforehand?"

"Meh, we're freakin' rich, so they won't care."

Later that day in the evening, Ed and Envy sneaked out of the mansion unnoticed and it wasn't long before they found a church. They talked to the pastor that they wanted a quickie wedding and he told them everything will be ready for them in ten minutes. In the meantime, they waited out front at a pretty fountain.

"I've got a weird feeling about this," Ed said, making circles in the water with a finger.

"It'll be fine!" Envy replied. "As long as no one we know shows up." Something about that statement didn't seem quite right to the both of them, but oh well, maybe they'll figure out the whole weeding thing in a little bit. They really were clueless—they wore casual clothes and well, you'll see.

It was time. The church doors opened to them, loud lively music blared, strangers at the pews clapped and danced, and many of them had sparklers. The pastor stretched out his arms and said majestically, "Come forward, my children." Ed and Envy shrugged and danced down the aisle together. "We are gathered her to join these lovers!" The strangers cheered.

Ed cleared his throat and said, "I would like to say some vows."

"Who is the man that's got some vows?" the pastor sang with his nice, deep voice.

"Edward!" the woman chorus sang back.

Ed and Envy snickered quietly because that sounded funny. Then Ed held both of Envy hands and said sweetly, "I love you, Envy. When we touch, you make all my dreams come true. You're my brightest light in the morning, you're my—"

"Who is the finest man that has the hunk?" the pastor's singing interrupted Ed.

"Edward!" the chorus sang again.

"Uh, can I finish this?" Ed asked. The pastor nodded.

But just as Ed opened his mouth, the chorus continued, "Eeeed-ward!"

"Can you please be quiet for a minute?" Ed asked the chorus.

The pastor seemed confused. "But they're singing about _you_!"

Envy shrugged at Ed. Ed sighed, then continued: "You're my everything. And I know whatever I had, have, and will have is nothing until I share it with you."

"Aww!" Envy was so embarrassed; he had to try really hard to not cover his red face.

Then the pastor whispered to Envy, "Hold out your hand." Envy wasn't sure how; he held his hand up to Ed. Not knowing what to do either, Ed gave Envy a high-five.

"Um, I think, the ring…" Envy whispered.

"Oh!" Ed took the ring off of Envy's finger and then slowly put it back as he continued, "This ring is a pledge of my eternal love—"

"Ed-wa-a-ard!" the chorus continued.

"Damn it!" Ed had enough. "Can you _please_ let us get on with this wedding?" His voice was borderline crazy.

The chorus didn't hear Ed since they were clapping and the music was pretty loud to begin with, so they went on singing, "Whoo! Whoo! Edward! Whoo!"

"Whoo! Whoo!" Ed mimicked the chorus, flailing his arms at them and scaring them to a corner. Then he grabbed Envy's hand. "Envy, I wanna marry you, but not like this!"

"I hear _that_, brother!" Envy replied.

They ran back up the aisle, and before they left the church, Ed yelled to anyone who'd listen, "By the way, those sparklers sucked!"

The pastor stared blankly at the now closed door. "Well, _I_ thought that were cool." The chorus and all the other strangers nodded in agreement.

Needless to say, their first try on getting married really sucked. On their way home, Envy mused, "I guess we should ask around about _how_ proper weddings are done."

"Isn't there a way where we just have to sign a paper?" Ed asked.

"But there's nothing amazing about that!" Envy argued.

Ed sighed. "Okay, but maybe next time we should try a place a little less _amazing_ than today." They both agreed to that.

Thomas greeted them at the door. "Care to recount your day?" he asked.

"We'd rather not," Envy replied tiredly.

Hohenheim rushed to the room, knowing his sons were there. He took one look at them and declared, "I know that look! You two tried to get married today! Why didn't you—?"

"It's none of your business!" Envy spat. He headed up the stairs.

Ed smiled weakly at his dad. "Sorry…? Not really…"

Hohenheim grimaced. "You two are clearly rushing into something you don't quite understand." He got that right. "Please, I'm just saying don't make the same mistake I—"

"_Mistake_?" Ed shrieked. "Don't act like you know what you're talking about!" His fists were clenched, but he did nothing but dash up the stairs as well.

Now it was just Hohenheim and Thomas standing around in silence, and once again the butler added in one of his ever-so-helpful comments: "You might want to go outside for a moment. You don't want to be here if they decide to have angry sex."

Tragically, Ed and Envy didn't have angry sex. But Ed tried his best. They were both lying in bed, Envy with his back against Ed, and seeing Envy so angry made him horny (considering the monkey thing turned him on, this wasn't very surprising). He took this as a challenge.

"Aw, c'mon! You're usually always in the mood!" Ed ran a hand down Envy's side.

"Not now," Envy groaned. "I don't wanna do it when _he's_ around. Especially after we finished yelling at him."

Ed was devastated. But he quickly came up with a solution: "Then let's go somewhere tomorrow! Just the two of us!" He wrapped an arm around Envy and added, "So we can forget about this day, too."

Envy calmed down. "Okay," he replied.

Ed expected Envy to say a little more, but when nothing else was said, he asked, "So…sex-wise, I'm alone tonight?"

Envy smiled. "Yes."

Luikaki: I have more bad news for Ed: I'm going to Mexico so it might be almost three weeks until my next update! Ahh, I'll miss you guys! (except for turanga something-something)

(EDIT) Aztec Goddess: The flamer changed her name a little while ago which kinda leads me to believe she read this far. Weird. Anyway, she's the one that said she'll stab the living hell out of my cuzzie Luikaki. -.- That'll be quite an accomplishment seeing that not even I'm sure where in Mexico he's at right now. And I can't help feeling a little pissed off about a lot of things but, meh, instead I'll give you guys a hint as to what Luikaki plans for this fic next: Mustang! _Vroom_!


	6. Weekend with the Mustangs Part 1

Luikaki: Sorry it took so long – I was deported! …Just kidding.

Aztec Goddess: What? I'm gonna delete that!

Luikaki: No! Leave it, leave it!

Weekend with the Mustangs: Part 1

Around five AM Wrath woke up from a horrible nightmare about Dante coming back from the dead to steal his paperclips. He got up from his bed and swayed over to Gluttony's room, opening the door quietly to not wake the others up. "Gluttony, can I sleep here?" Wrath pleaded in a whisper.

Gluttony mumbled something like, "Where's Lust?" in his sleep. Wrath just shrugged and made himself comfortable next to Gluttony. Sure, Gluttony wasn't the best bunk buddy but Wrath was smart enough to not enter Ed and Envy's room unannounced and Thomas was still pretty much a stranger.

Suddenly, Gluttony rolled over towards Wrath and—

"AAAHHHHHH!"

That woke the others up (except Hohenheim who sleeps in the basement) and they came rushing to Gluttony's room. "My God, where's that screaming coming from?" Thomas asked.

"Hmm?" Gluttony mumbled. He felt odd movement underneath himself. "What the hell's going on?"

"GET OFF ME! GET OFF ME!" Wrath shrieked.

"Oh." Gluttony rolled back off of the poor traumatized Wrath.

And that was how this beautiful Saturday morning started. Ed, Envy, Wrath and Gluttony weren't able to go back to sleep so they sulked around in the living room with nothing to do. But damn, they were beat. Gluttony paced around in circles, Wrath was curled up and rocking himself on a chair, and Ed and Envy were leaning against each other on the sofa.

"Damn it, Gluttony," Envy groaned. "Why'd you have to almost kill Wrath so early in the morning?"

Gluttony groaned in response.

Then a refreshed Thomas waltzed down the stairs. "Good morning everyone!" he cheered.

"Blehhh," was basically everyone else's response.

"Well, I guess there's no way to brighten up this conversation," Thomas observed.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Thomas was quick to answer and a moment later, he let the guests in and introduced them: "Roy Mustang and Riza Hawkeye."

Ed craned his neck to see if this was true.

"Surprise!" Roy chimed, stretching out his arms.

Ed's eyes widened and he screamed like a little girl. Thomas laughed as well because that made his day, then he went on to the kitchen. Gluttony followed.

"I thought I got away from you!" Ed cried.

"Guess you were wrong!" Roy replied with a big smile. "So, what have you been up to?"

Ed raised an eyebrow suspiciously at Roy, then started to reply, "Well, Envy and I were planning to—"

"Wait, don't tell me!" Roy interrupted. He waltzed over next to Ed and nudged him. "You and Envy are gonna spend the weekend with the _Mustangs_!"

"Weekend with the Mustangs," Ed repeated in a whisper. "_Mustangs_? There are _two_ of them now?" He jumped of the couch, pointed at Riza, and shrieked, "What the hell's your problem?"

Riza stared blankly at Ed. "What?"

"Why'd you marry this idiot!"

"He's not an idiot!" Riza pointed out. "He's just stupid."

Roy nodded in agreement. Then he happily grabbed Ed and said, "Plus, you're gonna tell me all about your gay lover over there!" He motioned towards Envy.

"I'm not his gay lover," Envy replied, showing off his ring finger. "I'm his fiancée."

Roy's mouth twitched until he couldn't stop from laughing out loud, and he pointed at Ed, saying, "Haha! You really are gay!"

Ed blinked blankly at Roy. "Yeah, I know."

"Oh…" Roy smacked his lips, then quickly grabbed both Ed and Envy's arms and declared, "Well, let's get going! To Olive Garden!"

Ed really didn't want to go out with the Mustangs, so he replied, "Uh, not now…" And he wiggled his arm out of Roy's grasp.

This was when Hohenheim walked out of the basement with just a bathrobe on. He waved at them and said, "Hi", then went on to the kitchen. The others just stared quietly, except Ed, who let out a groan.

"…Okay, then. Seven-thirty!" Roy declared without the need to ask Ed and Envy if it's alright with them. He waltzed out of the house and the level-headed Riza followed. Why the hell did she marry him?

Envy pouted. "I thought we were going somewhere _alone_ today! I want to go to East City!"

Ed scratched his head. "But now they know my dad's here. You don't know them. They'll tell on me if they don't get their way."

Envy rolled his eyes. "Lemme get this straight: we're going to Olive Garden just because you're afraid they're gonna say things to your freakin' daddy?"

"He's your dad, too," Ed replied. "And thanks for understanding."

"Look," Envy started, "Who would you rather take orders from: me or the Mustangs?"

Ed thought for about half a second. "You're right! Screw the Mustangs!"

And so they went on to the train station and met another gay person because, well, working is gay. "Here are your tickets, fellows!" he chimed.

"Thanks," Ed and Envy replied absentmindedly, out of habit. They started to leave, heading towards the train.

The ticket guy gave Envy a disturbing look. "Oh, that skort's so good on you!" He did that gay arm thing. "I feel like giving your bottom a little spanking!"

Ed turned back as fast as a lightning bolt, broke through the window in front of the ticket guy, and beat the crap out of him like the good little fiancée he is. "Don't talk about my man like that!" he shrieked.

"Ed, hurry up! We'll be late!" Envy called out, probably not even noticing Ed's act of violence. Ed obeyed Envy and caught up to him, but not before giving the ticket guy another punch across the face, with his automail arm of course.

The ticket guy sat up, bloody and all, but all he could think of was, "Wow, what a man."

The first thing Ed said when they reached their seats on the train was, "You think we'll get away with this?"

"With what, you almost killing that gay guy?" Envy asked as he opened a bag of chip he just bought from a waitress.

"No . . . the Mustangs. They might do something crazy." Ed looked out the window and dramatic music started playing. It was quiet except for that annoyingly loud music, but it suddenly stopped when Envy asked:

"Hey, honey, want some potato chips?" Envy held out the bag towards Ed.

"Huh? Oh, thanks." Ed took a handful of chips and started eating as the dramatic music continued.

Luikaki: Damn…you don't know how long this freakin' chapter took! …Or maybe you do…


	7. Weekend with the Mustangs Part 2

Luikaki: Happy news! I have a new baby brother now!

Weekend with the Mustangs: Part 2

Ed and Envy got a room in the Twinkletrousers Hotel. Yes, you read right. Anyway, Envy was feeling a lot better, meaning a lot hornier, away from home. He pushed Ed onto the bed as soon as they entered the room, and they started making out.

When they parted for air, Ed asked, "What if the Mustangs find out where we are?"

Envy gave Ed a dumb look. "You're thinking of the Mustangs while you're kissing me?"

Then the phone in their room rang. Ed freaked out and accidentally kicked Envy in the gut. Envy fell off the bed and clutched his stomach in pain. "What the hell?" he hissed. "That's it; no sex tonight either!"

Ed didn't hear Envy. He was too busy staring at the ringing phone in fear.

Envy grumbled, crawled over to the phone, and picked it up. "What?"

"Would you like a wake-up call?" the happy front-desk clerk asked.

"Listen," Envy snapped. "_We'd_ call _you_ if we want that." He angrily hung up the phone.

Ed was still pretty freaked, breathing hard. "Let's – let's just go out . . . to Jack-in-the-Box."

And so this shows that the happy couple would rather have a romantic lunch at Jack-in-the-Box rather than in Olive Garden. Nice.

But they didn't have a good time anyway. Every time a guy would pass by, Ed would think it's Roy. Like right now: "Is that Roy?" Ed gasped, nearly ready to hide under the table.

"No, that guy's Ishbalan," Envy replied.

"Is that—"

"That's a midget." Envy sighed. "Okay, that's it. Let's just go back to the hotel."

Meanwhile, at the mansion, while Wrath was listening to music, while Gluttony was eating, while Hohenheim was sliding around in his socks, the phone rang.

"Someone get it," Gluttony said.

"Thomas you get it," Hohenheim said as Thomas walked by.

"Of course I won't!" Thomas replied. "I'm off duty!"

Wrath couldn't hear a thing in his room through the music.

"But you're closer," Hohenheim said, sliding away from the phone.

Thomas sighed in defeat and answered the phone. "Lazy house," he declared to the caller.

It was Roy. "Oh sorry, I think I got the wrong – wait that sounds like a house Ed would live in!"

Thomas stared at the receiver. He turned to the others. "It sounds like the idiot who came by earlier."

"What does he want?" Hohenheim asked.

"Did you hear that?" Thomas asked Roy so he wouldn't have to repeat the question. Wow, how lazy.

"Uh, yeah…" Roy replied. "We're on our way to Olive Garden and were just wondering if the gay couple was ready."

"Oh, yes, they left a while ago."

"Okay, thanks!" Roy hung up.

"What happened?" Hohenheim asked.

Thomas pondered for a moment to get his wording right. "I believe I have just screwed your sons over," he replied. "They are expected at Olive Garden sometime soon."

"Hey, that's not nice!" Hohenheim pouted. "They're gonna think it's my fault and hate me even more! I've gotta warn them!" He picked up the phone and dialed the number of the hotel…

Ed and Envy lazily made their way back into their hotel room. Envy groaned and plopped onto the bed. "I give up trying to have a good time. Go ahead, do what you want to me."

Ed smiled. He couldn't argue with that! But as soon as he took a step forward, the phone in their room rang. "AH!" Ed shrieked and he ducked for cover. "It's the Mustangs! It's them!"

Envy rolled his eyes. "It's not them."

"It's them!"

"It's not them."

Ed glared at his gay lover and hissed hysterically: _"It's them!"_

Once again, Envy crawled over to the phone and answered, "What is it, damn it!" When he heard the person on the other line, he gasped and almost dropped the phone in shock. Without another word, he hopped off the bed and thrust the phone at Ed's face.

Ed stared terrified at Envy. "It's them?"

"It's not them," Envy whispered back and practically clashed the receiver against Ed's ear.

"Envy? Edward?" Hohenheim asked on the other line.

"Dad? Why the hell are you calling?" Ed asked.

"Oh, I just wanted to warn you guys that your butler told the Mustangs that you two are on your way. I'm a good dad aren't –" Ed hung up before letting his dad finish.

There was a moment of silence, then Ed shrieked again. "Oh crap oh crap oh crap!" He jumped up and clung onto Envy. "They're expecting us! We're screwed! What do we do?"

"Um, we can tell the Mustangs that we got into some kind of accident along the way," Envy shrugged.

"Like what?"

"We ran over a lot of people and we're in jail? And we're vegetables?"

Ed calmed down. "Okay, okay. That's a good plan." He handed the phone to Envy. "You call them."

Ed gave Envy the number to Roy's office. Luckily, the Mustangs were still there. Riza answered. "Hello?"

"Uh, hey," Envy said. "It's Envy, Ed's –" Suddenly, loud music boomed from outside.

"PARADE!" Ed screamed.

"Huh?" Envy turned around and saw Ed opening the window and waving his arms frantically and mouthing _stop! Stop!_

The music died down only slightly, but just so everyone could hear the announcement: "WELCOME ONE AND ALL TO EAST CITY'S ANNUAL WELCOMING PARADE FOR ISHBALANS!"

Ed screamed again in terror, grabbed the receiver from Envy, and the rest of the phone, yanking it out of the wall outlet as he threw it out the window.

First, Envy could only stare disappointedly at Ed. Then he whacked his lover upside the head and hissed, "What the hell was that? That phone belongs to the hotel! Now we have to pay for it!"

Luikaki: (sigh) Finally,again!


	8. Weekend with the Mustangs Part 3

Luikaki: I fell down. (that's my excuse for not updating for so long) Happy New Year!

Weekend with the Mustangs: Part 3

Riza stared blankly at the phone, which made a lot of funny noises before the line was cut off. But she heard the parade part loud and clear. "They're in East City!" she told Roy.

"Really now?" Roy said with a smile. "Let's tell on them for ditching us!"

And so the Mustangs called Hohenheim, just like how Ed feared.

"Hohenheim! Hoenheim!" Roy tattled in a childish voice. "Your sons are big meanies!"

"Uh, aren't you that stupid guy that came over earlier?" Hohenheim asked.

"Maybe…" Roy replied. "But aren't you gonna punish them? It's your obligation as a father and you want to be a good father, don't you?"

Hohenheim put a lot of thought into this. "…But then they'll hate me even more!"

"Oh…Well, that's how they show their love! The more you treat them like crap, the more they'll love you!"

Poor desperate Hohenheim wanted to believe this, so he did. "Hey, you might be right! How should I punish them?"

Roy shrugged. "I dunno, you're the dad." Jeez, he threw out a perfectly good opportunity to ruin Ed's life without even knowing it.

"I know!" Hohenheim declared. "I'll take away their phone privileges, starting now!"

Roy suddenly realized his little mistake. "Wait—" But Hohenheim had already disconnected his phone line. "Aw, this sucks."

Meanwhile, back at East City, Ed and Envy were thrown out of Twinkletrousers Hotel after paying for damages, which turned out to be a lot since the workers were also considering suing for emotional distress. So Ed and Envy were left with only a couple of bucks in their pockets, not nearly enough for a ride back home. It seems that their only option was to call Daddy for a ride back home.

They reached a phone booth and Envy dialed again because he can't trust Ed with a phone anymore. He even made Ed stay a couple yards away from the booth in hopes that nothing could go wrong.

Envy let the phone ring for over a minute before he got too impatient and hung up. "Ed," he called out. "I don't think the phones in our house are working. Who can we call now?"

"Pinako?" was Ed's first guess.

"No, I don't feel like dealing with Winry right now."

Ed thought as hard as he could, but it seemed as though they had no other options. "Damn it, since when was I a loser and have no other friends?" Well, there were the Tringham brothers, but they have no form of connection.

"We'll have to call _them_," Envy replied.

Ed gasped dramatically. He clapped his hands and turned his automail arm into a blade. "You…you don't wanna do that, Envy…" He took a cautious step towards Envy and the phone booth.

"Keep away from the phone, Ed," Envy said in a deadly serious voice. "Or that'll be the last thing you ever do."

"You don't understand, Envy. You don't understand how embarrassing that'll be." Ed took another step forward. "Roy'll never let me live it down! I'm short, gay, and now begging for his help and I've got nothing on him!"

This dramatic moment was accompanied by the happy parade music going on in the background.

"Ed, I'm calling them and that's final," Envy replied. "Now go sit somewhere over there, far from the phone booth." Ed didn't budge at first. "_Now_, Ed!"

Ed sulked. He walked a couple of feet away and sat sadly on the sidewalk as Envy made the call to the Mustangs. Ed couldn't hear the conversation, but it sounded like Envy was getting friendly with Riza. He heard Envy giggling and saying something about how retarded boys can be. Ed was getting pissed. "He's befriending the enemy!"

The parade music was getting louder. A marching band was coming his way. "That's it!" Ed screamed, standing up from the ground. "I've have enough for today! First, I couldn't get a good night's sleep! Then that dumbass Roy had to come along and invite us to Olive Garden! And I haven't had sex! And my lover's becoming friends with my enemy's lover! And now that retarded band's coming back!" He pointed to the band and continued yelling, though they probably couldn't hear him. "Because of you guys, we lost all our money at that hotel! Get outta here!"

The band commenced to play louder.

Ed covered his ears. "Oh, so that's how you're gonna play, you bastards! Envy, let's get outta here! We don't need the Mustangs!" Ed dashed to the phone booth with a crazy look in his eyes and automail blade at the ready.

"Ed—!" Envy was about to remind Ed about the staying away from the phone rule, but he knew there wouldn't be time for that. "Oh God, AH!" Envy dropped the receiver and ran out of the phone booth.

A second later, Ed was destroying it like a madman, screaming, "Die! Die, you bastard!"

Envy groaned in embarrassment. "Again…Ed, you dumbass."

Ed continued hacking at the miserable remains of the phone booth and that happy parade played on.

xoxoxoxo

After much struggle, Ed was finally fastened to the front passenger seat of the Mustangs' car. Envy and Riza sat in the back talking like old girlfriends. And Roy drove as he tried his best to not burst out laughing, but he couldn't keep a big, stupid smile off his face.

"So…" Roy started, "we're definitely going to Olive Garden next week, right Ed?"

Ed grumbled incoherently at first.

"Hm?"

"I don't wanna!" Ed whined.

"But you owe me for all the trouble I went to picking you up!" Roy chimed.

"You're, you're an asshole."

Roy's grin widened. "You like assholes."

Ed blushed. "Shut up! Just for that, there's no way I'm going to Olive Garden with you!"

"Aw, but c'mon!"

"No."

"But you promised!"

"No I didn't!"

"Ed, just say yes," Envy said. Then he went back to talking to Riza.

"Damn it," Ed groaned.

Roy could no longer hold back his laughter. He couldn't wait until next week! But…did Ed have other plans?

Luikaki: Damn, that was a long-ass weekend!


End file.
